Because Someone Needs to Say Something …

If you are Single, Christian and a Girl you love Tim Tebow.  Even if you don’t know anything about football you still love him.  Even if you say you don’t love him you do.  I know you do!  You know why?  Because I say I don’t and I do!  Even today I saw this picture on ESPN:

Sanchez and Tebow
Oh look! They’re Friends! Thats so sweet!

You know what my first thought was?  “Oh my gosh!  That’s so sweet!  They’re friends!”

So stupid.

My head is hung in shame.

And it will be.

For a long, long, long, very long time.

Don’t worry.  We’re all sucked into something I like to call  “He’s Single Famous and Really Good Looking and Oh My Gosh He Also Loves Jesus!!!!!! Syndrom,” otherwise known as HSFRGLOMGHALJS.  It’s very serious and can even be deadly.  It also isn’t just associated with one specific person of celebrity status.  Studies indicate that in the early 90’s single Christian women were seduced by one Kirk Cameron … it was a dark time.

Anyway, Tim Tebow.  The real American epidemic. You’re probably sitting there thinking, “No Claire, girls aren’t really that ridiculous about Tim Tebow.” FALSE!!!

Point A –

Point B –

I would have made one of these video’s too if these ladies hadn’t beaten me to the punch.  Darn you cute sorority girl and cute girl that went to a christian school!  I can’t compete! I can’t play the guitar!  I wasn’t ever in a sorority! My hair doesn’t curl like that!  I don’t have good looking roommates that can harmonize!  I’m not soft spoken and giggly! man … my life is over!  (just kidding)

I’m going to end our  dreams right now.  I know.  This hurts me to.  I’m not marrying Tim Tebow.  But hey!  Neither are you! The odds of marrying Tim Tebow are 150 Million to 1.  And that statistic is probably low because I just considered American women.    That’s .000000006%.  Do you know how small that is!!!! Here are the things that are more likely to happen to you then marrying Tim Tebow:

  1. Striking it rich on Antiques Roadshow: 60,000 to 1 (oh yes, you should get out Grandpas old watch, the stories are indeed true that it was General Patton’s that he lost during the Battle of the Bulge.)
  2. Being murdered: 18,000 to 1
  3. Dating a supermodel: 88,000 to 1
  4.    Dating a supermodel that loves Jesus: 400,000,000 to 1 Sorry … number 4 was a bad one
  5. Being Injured from using a Chain Saw: 4,464 to 1
  6. Being injured with fireworks 19,556 to 1 (More likely than being killed by a terrorist.  Proof that what  Americans need to fear most is ourselves!  And also that you should stop playing with matches and fireworks.  No seriously.  Stop.)
  7. Being killed by lightning: 2,320,000 to 1
  8. Winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 (This, however, is making me wonder about the probability of Lolo Jones and Tim Tebow getting together …)
  9. Fatally slipping in the bath or shower: 2,232 to 1 (yeah … and I’m not going to shower for a few days …)
  10. Being canonized: 20,000,000 to 1

So there you go.  You are more likely to die and become a saint then you are to marry Tim Tebow.  At this point you might be thinking, “Well God is really big, and he can make that happen.”  Yes, he can.  Is he going to?  Probably not.  If he does and you’re reading this and you are married to Tim Tebow then feel free to e-mail me and ask me for $1,000,000.  Because you’re awesome, and that’s how much I bet that this wouldn’t happen.  However you will get it in installments of a penny a day from my overloaded coin purse for the next 273,972.6 years.  See you in eternity 😉


10 thoughts on “Because Someone Needs to Say Something …

  1. i’m dying. this is awful. right before you posted this i tweeted at Sean Lowe– and because you don’t subject yourself to trashy reality TV like the Bachelorette, let me fill you in… hunky blonde from Texas who professed his love for Jesus and little kids (and Emily Maynard of course)… basically, Tim Tebow, but slightly less famous… it was a legitimate tweet, i’m certain he’s interested in what I said… (that’s what I’m telling myself) love you.

  2. BAHAHA! Keep em coming because I miss you and you’re hilarious. However, to number 4 I must say I know of a specific Chrisitan ministry just for and filled with beautiful models that love Jesus so just setting the record straight ; ) The things that happen when one moves to Hollywood….

    Encore! Encore!

  3. Lol..I died while reading this! I realize that entry is from about a year ago & I’m just getting the chance to read your amazingly funny (and oh-so-accurate) blog; but I concur, keep ’em coming Claire! 🙂

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