Lately I’ve been told I’m “Marriage Material.”
Has this happened to anyone else?
I would assume yes, since you ladies are awesome.
Do you think this is a compliment?
Yeah, you know I did too. Recently, I’ve started thinking that it’s not. Its kind of one of those backhanded compliments. You know what I’m talking about? Something that someone says to you and then maybe 5 minutes or a few weeks later you’re like “Hey, wait a minute! That was mean!”
I should be clear, if an older gentleman says this to you (i.e. someone like your Dad’s age), take it as a compliment because it’s meant to be.
If a guy that’s in your “We-could-potentially-date” sphere says this to you, he’s basically saying that he wants to go have fun with some floozies and then maybe marry someone like you when it’s convenient for him to pass along his DNA.
Why don’t you just karate chop me in the guttural.
It’ll hurt less.
But here is the even bigger problem:
I don’t want to NOT be marriage material.
What a massive paradox.
Honestly this is more confusing than the supposition that if one of two simultaneous assumptions leads to a contradiction, the other assumption is also disproved.
I know … my brain is leaking out of my ears.
Also, there are rules to being marriage material! Help me out if I miss a few:
- You give an automatic “No” if someone asks you out over social media. What if our hypothetical first-born child is bleeding profusely from his neck and I need to you to dial 911 because I have my hand clamped around his carotid artery?! … are you going to be able to do it? Or are you just going to “like” the local police on Facebook and expect them to show up?
- First date, I’m not paying. If you think I’m paying it’s not a date. Try again. Go back to start. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
- A relationship is Never, EVER going to form out of a drunk bar scene. No really … it’s not. Please stop arguing. It’s not.
- Don’t wait around for me to ask you out on a date first. It’s not going to happen. That’s a Man’s job. I’m not a guy. I promise.
- If I’ve given you my phone number, that is the ultimate green light. There is literally nothing else within my lady-like rules that I am permitted to do. It’s like I’ve put a little helpless baby seal in the the water and you either have to save it or watch it be massacred by a Great White Shark.
Finally, one of my favorite movies is “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I think I had a copy once, but I think someone took it when I lived in Africa. So side note, all plagiarized copies of that movie in Zambia are probably because I couldn’t keep tabs on my DVD collection. Anyway … the best part of that movie is the little clips that they’ve interspersed throughout. The following is one of my favorites and why rule #5 is what it is.
I just don’t want to seem crazier than I think I already am.