I was talking to this girl the other day that’s engaged.
Side note, it seems like everyone I know is in a relationship.
The worst part is, this is a new thing. I used to have like 80 single friends and less then a week later I only have 2, and one is suspiciously looking like she might not be single for long.
THEY’RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES!
SAVE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!
Anyway, this girl was talking about how excited she was for her wedding day, and I was thinking, “I’m excited for the day after the wedding and then all the days after that!”
Don’t say “Ahhh …” It’s not that cute.
I’ll tell you.
Reasons Why I Want To Get Married:
- So I can stop dating. Dating is terrible. Have I mentioned this before? I HATE it. That’s probably why I’m so good at being single, because I’m also so good at hating dating. I’d rather get 1,000 paper cuts and be dipped into vinegar. Oh, I’ve used that dramatic phrase before? I’ve got to come up with another overly violent phrase that expresses my abhorrence to things? Fine.
- So I can fart in front of a guy and not worry about it. What was my worst first date ever? That one where I was literally doubled over in pain because I had to fart so badly. Couldn’t just be myself in that situation. No sir. But guess what? When I’ve married you and made you sign a little pre-nup deal that says you can’t divorce me for “irreconcilable smells?” You’re locked in buddy. Locked. In.
- So I can finally build myself that self-feeding Cheetos machine. You can’t really eat Cheetos when you’re single because apparently they’re “bad for you” and aren’t “natural” so they can make you “gain weight” and “breakout” or something. Pretty sure I’m going to be done worrying about that once someone’s put a ring on it. The embodiment of heaven is found in a self-feeding Cheetos machine.
- So I can stop worrying about looking cute. Normally, I feel like I look pretty good. But to be honest, that’s not my outfit of choice. I’d rather be in an oversized flannel and my cut-off sweatpants that look like they’ve been stolen off of Mikey’s older brother Brandon from the Goonies. If you haven’t tried cut-off sweatpants you haven’t lived.
- So I can finally get a dog. I have a job. I don’t have time to take care of a dog by myself. Really I don’t want to get married, I just want someone who will volunteer to take care of a dog with me. Dear future husband, who may or may not have changed his mind after reading #2 since you’re worried about being “Dutch Ovened,” these are the kind of dogs that I am allowing us to get:
So like in all of those cheesy wedding speeches, “here is not to today, but to the 25,567 days that will come after.”
That’s actually really beautiful.
Too bad I marred it with #2.