My most memorable panic attack was in the middle row of a Christian conference. I was listening to a relationship panel, which, oddly enough, included a single Christian girl.
I think they put her on it for diversity.
She said, “some of you have the gift of singleness, and like Paul, you might not ever get married.”
I think all of the color drained out of my face. I turned to another single friend who had a similar expression and I’m pretty sure I dropped an “S” bomb.
At a Christian Conference.
I didn’t want that gift! I still don’t want that gift!
And who decided to call it a gift? Just because you put the word “gift” in front of it, doesn’t make me suddenly excited to have it.
“Here, I gave you the gift of a viper! Blessings! Watch out when you feed it, he’s a little poisonous and kind of jumpy. I know that you said you hate snakes, but I thought he would keep you on your toes.”
You give me a viper, and call it a gift, it’s still a viper and I’m still a snakebite away from a really painful hospital visit.
Lucky for you friends, I’ve grown up.
And I’ve come to firmly believe that Jesus does a facepalm every time one of us mentions, “the gift of singleness.”
Also, the odds are in your favor.
86% of Christians are married, and that statistic probably includes priests so it’s really like 96%.
Now I know one of you is thinking, “but Claire, what if I am actually going to be stuck by myself for the rest of my life with only my cats and my crocheting to keep me company as my ovaries slowly wither along with all of my hopes and dreams?”
Oh really? That’s what you saw in your little crystal ball? Ok Professor Trelawney, why don’t we take that away before you hurt someone …
Only God knows the future.
I rarely use Bible verses in my posts (probably need to work on that) but I like this one:
All the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
Before I’d even lived one day.
– Psalm 139:16 The Message
God knows what’s going to happen to you, and it’s good.
And again, statistically, you’re probably going to get married, but like a fine wine or really nice cheese, you’re significant other just might need to mature.
He could still be chowing down Cheetos in his grandma’s basement playing world of war craft and is on his 8th day without a shower.
You don’t want to marry that.
You deserve good hygiene.
Every lady does. And that does not include Axe body spray …
Or you know what? You might need to work on yourself. Like that Ferbie collection? It might need to go.
It’s getting creepy.