I’m as obsessive about coffee as the next person.
But I think we all need to calm down.
After freaking myself out via different articles on the Internet preaching about coffee’s disastrous health effects, I gave it up for two months, somewhere between April and May, so I apologize if you received an incoherent email, text, phone call, telegram or smoke signal during that time.
No, none of that seems odd. I’m off caffeine and I swear I either had a dream or this actually happened where I was in the middle of a field sending my friends smoke signals.
Anyway, during my time away from coffee (because let’s be real, I’m 100% back on the juice) I really felt a lot of pain for my other single Christian friends who don’t drink coffee. If you’re taking them on a first date to Starbucks what are they going to order? One of those smoothies that tastes like a petrified liver? No, don’t make them do that, that’s mean. Or me. If it’s a date, I’d really like to order a glass of wine. But actually, you can apparently do that at Starbucks now… so … yeah …
So, the coffee first date needs to go, and here’s why:
- You don’t need to be more jacked up when you’re meeting someone for the first time. On first dates you need to be mellow, relaxed. You need to be yourself. What you don’t need is for your whole body to be shaking because you got so nervous that you drank your grande sugary venti blah blah Americano drink like a shot at your girlfriend’s bachelorette party.
- Coffee dates are so much pressure! You’re going on a coffee date to try and generate conversation with someone you’ve never met for at minimum an hour. WHAT? Really? That seems exhausting. Whatever happened to, say, mini golf? You can have polite conversation for a set 18 holes, and if something clicks, someone can extend the date. If things aren’t working? No worries, you’re done, you’re out and you’re conversation didn’t have to go down that wandering path of doom towards “the future”. Get outta here serious conversations – this first date doesn’t need you.
- Fight against Christian Cliché’s. I’ve started an organization called “Christians Against Christian Cliché’s” and by started, I mean I just made it up. But you know what would be at the top of my list? COFFEE DATES. I’m turning over the tables at the proverbial coffee temple. We already spend so much of our lives there: small groups, meeting with a mentor, being someone’s mentor, quite times, etc. It’s time to get out and enjoy other parts of God’s creation. Like the outdoors.
- Coffee is nature’s diuretic. And what is the one thing you NEVER, absolutely EVER want to do on a first date? I can’t say it because I’m a lady, but it’s starts with a “P” and then ends with an “oop”. So why are you taking me on a date where the lie that I’ve created in which everything that comes out of my backside is sunshine and rainbows has to be destroyed like the tower of babel? Don’t do that. Just don’t.
So hopefully I’ve ended that tradition.
Have fun mini golfing.