No More Coffee First Dates.

Coffee and Owls
Via Pinterest

I’m as obsessive about coffee as the next person.

But I think we all need to calm down.

After freaking myself out via different articles on the Internet preaching about coffee’s disastrous health effects, I gave it up for two months, somewhere between April and May, so I apologize if you received an incoherent email, text, phone call, telegram or smoke signal during that time.

No, none of that seems odd. I’m off caffeine and I swear I either had a dream or this actually happened where I was in the middle of a field sending my friends smoke signals.

Don’t judge.

Anyway, during my time away from coffee (because let’s be real, I’m 100% back on the juice) I really felt a lot of pain for my other single Christian friends who don’t drink coffee. If you’re taking them on a first date to Starbucks what are they going to order? One of those smoothies that tastes like a petrified liver? No, don’t make them do that, that’s mean. Or me. If it’s a date, I’d really like to order a glass of wine. But actually, you can apparently do that at Starbucks now… so … yeah …

So, the coffee first date needs to go, and here’s why:

  1. You don’t need to be more jacked up when you’re meeting someone for the first time. On first dates you need to be mellow, relaxed. You need to be yourself. What you don’t need is for your whole body to be shaking because you got so nervous that you drank your grande sugary venti blah blah Americano drink like a shot at your girlfriend’s bachelorette party.
  2. Coffee dates are so much pressure! You’re going on a coffee date to try and generate conversation with someone you’ve never met for at minimum an hour. WHAT? Really? That seems exhausting. Whatever happened to, say, mini golf? You can have polite conversation for a set 18 holes, and if something clicks, someone can extend the date. If things aren’t working? No worries, you’re done, you’re out and you’re conversation didn’t have to go down that wandering path of doom towards “the future”. Get outta here serious conversations – this first date doesn’t need you.
  3. Fight against Christian Cliché’s. I’ve started an organization called “Christians Against Christian Cliché’s” and by started, I mean I just made it up. But you know what would be at the top of my list? COFFEE DATES. I’m turning over the tables at the proverbial coffee temple. We already spend so much of our lives there: small groups, meeting with a mentor, being someone’s mentor, quite times, etc. It’s time to get out and enjoy other parts of God’s creation. Like the outdoors.
  4. Coffee is nature’s diuretic. And what is the one thing you NEVER, absolutely EVER want to do on a first date? I can’t say it because I’m a lady, but it’s starts with a “P” and then ends with an “oop”. So why are you taking me on a date where the lie that I’ve created in which everything that comes out of my backside is sunshine and rainbows has to be destroyed like the tower of babel? Don’t do that. Just don’t.

So hopefully I’ve ended that tradition.

Have fun mini golfing.


16 thoughts on “No More Coffee First Dates.

  1. Kayaking is nice also.

    I recently had what might loosely be called a date where: I caught a shark spearfishing, gutted and filleted it, she sketched it (she is an artist), then she became queasy.

    We ate said shark – along with a couple of rays and other fish.

    On a future date we went to the ballet.

  2. i laughed aloud at this one.

    HOWEVER, the good thing about the coffee date is that it lasts as long as a cup of coffee. if it’s a tall from sbux–not too long. i went on one blind date (making the grand total of dates i have ever been on: 5? 6? i think? the rest were all with one guy.) with a guy recently three days after coming back from an international trip. i was jetlagged, 9 hours off, and i ordered a tall halfcaf. he was very friendly and pleasant but not my type, and i think my youth pastoring put him off a bit, as he was “spiritual” but not churchy. so, we had a friendly conversation, he finished his coffee and asked for my number, and left. and that was that.

    the brevity and lack of pressire worked for me! (and the only reason i ever go minigolfing is to be the comic relief. i am terrible!!!)

  3. As a non-coffee drinker, I totally agree. When a guy asks you out for coffee, it’s awkward to be all like, “Yeah, I don’t drink coffee.” But it’s even more awkward to be staring at a menu that may as well be written in Italian and going, “Um, I don’t even know what to order here.”

  4. Haha, while I appreciate all of the humor, I actually order non-coffee drinks at coffee shops all the time. I do drink coffee (just not black or super often) but I tend to get bored if I order the same thing every time– and as you noted, every time is kind of a lot (and that reflects zero dates for me). Tell your single, coffee hating friends to order a tea latte and chill out. 🙂 I do think mini-golf or kayaking (as another commenter put in) sound like solid first dates.

  5. Wow I happened to stumble upon your blog and I loved reading this article. It made me reflect on how much time, money and empty calories I have spent on COFFEE. I am a caribou girl, but everything you said here is totally true. I love to mini golf. Come to think of it, it’s been a few years. I do feel challenged to hang out with some new friends at a different place. But where else to go? In my location, there aren’t many options besides parks and shopping.

  6. This is great! Totally agree- coffee dates can be both awkward and intimidating.. Why not be spontaneous and fun- rock climbing, abseiling, paddle boat on the river. Coffee date? No Thankyou!

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