I hardcore failed this morning.
I was at a party last night and therefore didn’t get out of bed until 10:25 am.
Church starts at 10:30.
I was going to try to make it, until suddenly, shortly after I had looked in the mirror, realized church probably wasn’t going to happen.
Side note, when you have short hair, it is possible for them to stick straight up.
To spare the good people of the world my #IWokeUpLikeThis face, because lets be honest, it makes children cry and there are a lot of children at my church, I made myself coffee and oatmeal and sunk down to … rest.
I guess rest is the best word to describe what I’m doing right now, and it feels awesome, but it also feels like I don’t deserve it.
My friend Gabby wrote the most beautiful post on rest the other day and she basically said even though God commands us to rest, we often fight against it because we either don’t trust God will provide, or don’t believe we deserve it.
I think about the first one a lot. I worry ALL. THE. TIME. The worst part is I know it’s a sin. I know we’re not supposed to worry, but I can’t help myself. It’s sort of like it’s the sin that I was born with, my personality is predisposed to worry.
And it sucks.
But I don’t think about the last one, the “I don’t deserve it” one, but as soon as she put it on paper I immediately thought, “yup, I totally believe that.”
I’m pretty Type A, and by pretty Type A, I actually mean psycho crazy all the way Type A. If a day goes by without me achieving anything it’s a waste. So resting is REALLY hard, if not impossible. I’m also studying for a test, applying to grad school, working and honestly failing at making this blog a real thing. So basically, there is always something in the back of my mind going, “why are you reading? You should be doing XYZ instead!”
Because at some point when I was younger, I decided if I didn’t do XYZ, if I didn’t perform, if I didn’t accomplish, I didn’t matter.
So resting is hard, because when you rest, you don’t do anything.
You just rest.
You take a nap.
You read a book, and not even an impressive book, but something kind of stupid. (and by stupid, I mean awesome, because I pounded this book called Rose Daughter yesterday and it was great).
You go see a movie.
I’ve been going to see a therapist lately and it’s kind of great.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to do this. Like I said before, I worry, but sometimes it gets really bad and becomes full-blown anxiety.
One of the things I’m learning, is my anxiety is really bad when I’m not taking care of myself. My therapist and I were talking the other day and she asked me what I was doing to “fill my bucket.”
I couldn’t tell her anything.
It was actually pretty sad.
So this weekend I’ve been filling my bucket. I had brunch with friends, I just read all day, I skipped church to write, and I saw the new Cinderella movie by myself because I just really wanted to see it (glorious by the way, so, so amazingly good).
And I think it’s all working.
I’m feeling rested and I’m feeling at peace.
I’m feeling like it’s ok to not have to achieve all the time.
It’s ok to take it slow and to not have to do everything.
God’s going to provide.
Happy Sabbath friends.