Ah, wedding season …
Never have I ever felt so simultaneously elated and assaulted all at the same time. It’s a beautiful mix of joy and pain which is why I mistakenly picked up Irving Stone’s The Agony and the Ecstasy and assumed it was on this very topic. For further notice, it’s not. It’s about some dude who paints a ceiling in what I’d like to refer to as “legal vandalism.”
Anyway, it’s midway through June and if you’re in your 20’s and 30’s the number of weddings you’ve gone to in the past few weeks has been akin to a blitzkrieg.
You’re barely alive at this point. You need food, water, a fricken’ bubble bath and a gift certificate to Target because those wedding presents do not buy themselves.
So am I late with my survival guide to weddings?
But a wanderer in the desert never turns down a cold glass of water.
So here we go!
A no nonsense guide to surviving weddings.
(Imagine Destiny’s Child’s I’m a Survivor is playing quietly in the background)
Don’t be afraid to look AWESOME. There’s nothing that makes a wedding sadder than an outfit that makes you feel like you’re only one step up from a muumuu with a cat pattern.
If you have a plus one, take a date. Weddings with a plus one are code word for “Adult Prom.” Stop following your work crush to the copier and timing your bathroom breaks so you just “happen” to run into him at 9:17 am, 11:23 am, 1:24 pm and 3:07 pm. It’s getting weird. Just ask him to be your date to your friend’s cousin’s wedding. Make it casual. You can do it.
Or maybe – don’t take a date. You’re single and ready to mingle! Scope out those groomsmen! Get your flirt on! But for all of our sakes and your own self-respect please do not huddle in a corner, rocking in the fetal position.
Make a budget. You make a budget and you Dave Ramsey the crap out of that thing. Weddings are expensive. The outfits, the gifts, the transportation costs … excuse me well I give my bank account CPR. Make a budget and STICK TO YOUR BUDGET.
Get the kid’s meal. There is nothing worse than getting dry chicken when your friend was smarter then you and ordered the kids meal which is mac and cheese and chicken tenders. What’s better then mac and cheese and chicken tenders? Nothing. Except for maybe the glorified mac and cheese and chicken tenders that you’ll be served at the wedding feast of the lamb, but other than that … nothing.
Have a go-to dance move. Mine is a lunge with a hip thrust. It is equal parts awesome and a future trip to the chiropractor. That lunge, hip thrust combo though? People love it. However, my fellow wedding guests might not be so much laughing with me as at me, so there you go.
Request the Macarena. Why? Because it’s hysterical, and a crowd pleaser. Even Great Grandma Edna knows what it is.
Bring tissues. Crying at a wedding is the best. Be prepped and ready.
Write your own card. I was at Target a few weeks ago buying weddings cards and in order to buy one they ask you for your first born child. Who knew a piece of paper with a stupid design on it could be so expensive? And there’s only like 5 varieties so you know the couple probably already has a gazillion of the one you chose. Also, in my never ending search to find a funny wedding card, I’ve repeatedly failed so welcome in the “write your own wedding card.” Not only is it less expensive, but it also means more. You took 10 minutes to think of something sentimental to say and got carpal tunnel in the process? Your newly married friends are going to love that.
EAT CAKE. Oh wait, what? You’re on a gluten free diet and you’re avoiding sugar? Not today girlfriend. Not today. You stuff your face full of cake and you ask for a second piece! When Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake” she was referring to this very moment. So stuff your face. (Unless, of course, you have Celiac Disease and then please don’t. No one wants you to be violently ill …)
Get excited for the couple. This is one of the biggest days of their life – to be totally honest, it’s not about you at all. It’s a chance to celebrate with a friend that liked you enough to invite you to be a part of the most significant party they’re ever going to have. So chin up, enjoy it.