Why Writing Single Christian Girls is Hard.

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I’m totally one of those people who Google everything. I use Google like Saul used the Medium of Endor. Yes, that’s actually in the Bible. No, that’s not also a character from Lord of the Rings.

I expect Google to give me answers to topics ranging from “which musical most resembles my life,” to “will I be single forever?”

Before I started this blog, Google took me to A LOT of Christian blogs devoted to singleness. Most of them were depressing, a few of them were written by women who got married at 17, which makes me so angry I want to dropkick strangers, and very few of them were actually helpful. And thus, Single Christian Girls was born because I figured I wasn’t the only Single Christian Girl using Google like a crystal ball.

That was in 2012.

It’s now 2015 and the bloom is off the rose.

Lately, and by lately I mean this past year, I’ve been approaching this blog with more anguish than excitement. I love writing, but do I really love writing about being a Single Christian Girl? Not really. I could lie and say that I don’t like writing Single Christian Girls because I’d rather write about something more meaningful.

I did actually.

I just wrote a whole blog about how there are so many things more important than worrying about my own singleness. I think that’s true, but that’s not why writing this blog is hard. It’s hard because I have to be vulnerable about something that is happening to me right now.

I’ve never been great at being vulnerable.

I am, however, great at being “fake vulnerable.”

I learned “fake vulnerability” in college. I was surrounded by a group of people who encouraged vulnerability because those wise people recognized that vulnerability creates community and deep connection. So, I would share “vulnerable” sounding things I wasn’t really struggling with, but guarded closely my deepest secrets and scariest questions.

I’ve improved on the vulnerability front. I can tell because I’ve been in conversations that feel simultaneously freeing and painful. I’ve also experienced what an old friend called a, “vulnerability hangover.” For those who are unaware, a “vulnerability hangover” is when you wake up the next day going, “Oh no, why did I say that?!” accompanied by a headache from too much crying.

Writing Single Christian Girls in an authentic way requires confronting my desire to be married, but acknowledging I’m not married yet and I might never be married. Acknowledging desires and giving them to God is hard.

I would rather pretend I’m fine then admit I’m not.

I would rather say I don’t care about being married then admit I do.

I would rather keep my wedding Pinterest board secret then show the world that I’m just as obsessive about weddings as everyone else.

I would rather say I hate kids then acknowledge my desire for a huge family.

I would rather hide behind my career then put forth the effort into meeting new people.

I would rather say I hate breaking up with guys because I don’t want them to be hurt then acknowledge that what I’m really feeling is my own disillusionment and disappointment that yet another relationship didn’t turn out the way that I’d hoped.

Leave it to Tim Keller to call it what it is, an idol:

…Romantic love is an object of enormous power for the human heart and imagination, and therefore can excessively dominate our lives. Even people who completely avoid romantic love out of bitterness or fear are actually being controlled by its power … if you are so afraid of love that you cannot have it, you are just as enslaved as if you must have it … If you are too afraid of love or too enamored by it, it has assumed godlike power, distorting your perceptions and your life. – Tim Keller, Counterfeit Gods

The tricky thing is, destroying the idol of romantic love in my own life requires deep vulnerability with myself, close friends and most importantly with God. It requires, as Brené Brown notes in her TED talk on Vulnerability, to stop “controlling and predicting.” It requires acknowledging that I am not in control of my life trajectory, only God is. I have to trust that God’s Will truly is, “good, pleasing and perfect.”

So believe me, I get it.

I get that whatever led you to Single Christian Girls feels very real and very painful. I can guarantee that a lot of what you’ve experienced are emotions that I’ve experienced as well.

I also get, that sometimes it’s easier to Google your problems and come to a website then to actually have a conversation with a friend. The Internet is quite possibly the most effective tool humanity has created to avoid the pain of vulnerability, but we’ve lost the art of deep and authentic connection in the process.

So my encouragement to you is this: spend time with the God who loves you and has good things for you. Find friends who will walk through life with you. Be honest with yourself about what’s hard and don’t be afraid to sit and wrestle with it.

And finally, it’s ok. You’re not alone.

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26 thoughts on “Why Writing Single Christian Girls is Hard.

  1. I have been feeling the exact same way lately! That quote by Tim Keller is scary, but spot on. Thanks for putting words to my feelings. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone! 🙂

  2. I really needed to read this this morning. Thank you for being so open and honest. What you write about helps a lot of people…and more than just the single Christian girl.

  3. I started reading this blog because the first post of yours I stumbled across was hilarious. I loved how you approached singleness with humor, rather than this huge, weighty thing people make it out to be. Yes, it is difficult at times, but we’re fooling ourselves if we believe marriage is going to make our lives any easier; it’s just going to present different challenges.

    I understand what you’re saying about how writing about singleness get tiring. I went through the same thing with Beyond Waiting. I think it’s okay to post things that aren’t specifically about singleness–even on a blog called Single Christian Girls. We all know your relationship status. We’re here for the solidarity. If you’re simply posting about living your life and growing in faith with that same humor that brought me here in the first place, I think your readers will be fine with that. We’re not expecting you to stay the same. We’ve changed, too.

    Thanks for being vulnerable and hysterical and simply you.

    Sincerely,
    Someone Who Believes in Your Voice

  4. Great timing on this post, it was just what I needed today. As I was reading it I just kept thinking “Yes! I understand!”

  5. I just simply want to say thank you! Thank you for being authentic, it helps me to be honest with myself. God has given you a gift, a way to minister to other people with this blog. I guess sometimes it’s a load you have to carry on your shoulders. Let me say thank you, for taking up that task and carrying your load. I can only provit from what you do and can not give you the same in return. We all have been given different tasks, different loads to carry on our shoulders. But I’d like you to know, that it is worth your effort.

    Today you reminded me again to go to Him with all my desires, pain and dissapointment and not go done the la-la-la I’ll google away all my sad feelings and possibly find “the word” about my future, my lovestory on some “true love waits” web page… (oh yes been there before many times). To make a step towards that direction again, I’ll start praying for your love life too.

    Love Tabea from Switzerland

    Date: Tue, 28 Jul 2015 13:15:37 +0000 To: tasche13@hotmail.com

  6. Claire. I need to tell you several things. First, I love this post, and I’m so glad you wrote it. Second, thank you for continuing to write, especially on behalf of those of us whose new blogging schedule is Once Every Never. (Not mentioning names.) (But I almost put a “HA” after my website in the info section for comments.) (So. You know. Me.) Lastly, you should know that I read this post while sitting on my kitchen floor eating barbecue potato chips, a meat stick (?), and light ice cream. It was a Liz Lemon moment if I’ve ever had one and a good reminder that there still some remaining perks of being a Single Christian Girl 🙂 Thanks for being awesome.

    1. Oh man – this comment made my night. I write my website into a comment section ALL THE TIME while simultaneously muttering something similar to “what a waste.” It’s not. I love your blog and your voice. Just know, if we were together I’d probably have brought over some chocolate sauce for your ice cream, and let’s be honest, the potato chips too because that crap just sounds good.

  7. Thanks for having the courage to be vulnerable and sharing your thoughts about this topic. It’s refreshing to read something like this and being reminded that romantic love can become an idol.

  8. Hello,
    This is actually my first time visiting your blog… and I really appreciate this article. I don’t like being vulnerable either and I always want people to think I’m fine, I’m strong, I can do this on my own. Thank you for voicing the fact that vulnerability can be freeing -even if it is down-right scary sometimes. It’s something I need to keep in mind. Also, I believe that being vulnerable isn’t just freeing for us but for others as well. When we share our struggles it shows others they aren’t alone -and we all need a dose of that reality sometimes. Thank you for sharing this article and for being real and honest. I will be visiting your blog again!
    Rebekah
    http://www.moreradiance.com

  9. Everytime I read this blog I am just in awe that you are single. You are an amazing woman CC! God has a beautiful plan for you. I am going through similar feelings with a struggle I have been having to have children and a lot of the feelings you expressed are identical to mine. The worst is when people say it will happen because deep down you are like…but what IF it doesn’t?? That’s when we need to cling to the cross and trust that even if it doesn’t, then that is God’s will and His will is what is best for us whether we like it or not. You are very special to Him and he has a purpose and plan for your life. This trial will help to make you the woman God has envisioned. Peace sister.

  10. On Point!!! Very, Very true. My favorite part: ‘I am, however, great at being “fake vulnerable.” I learned “fake vulnerability” in college.’ Funny, but real. Love the blog!

  11. I check your blog more than I’d like to admit. I found it while searching for single christian blogs.. because I needed encouragement. I promise you I haven’t found another like you, and that’s a compliment. You’ve always said what some of us long to be able to write. You write so well and I appreciate that in you. I like who you are as a person. So, whatever changes I still enjoy reading it. 🙂

  12. I really liked this post thankyou! I’ve been learning how to be vulnerable this year to a greater extent and having my fair share of vulnerability hangovers too! eek!

  13. Hello,I contacted you about a blog I wrote that I wanted to post on your website. Let me know if you are still looking for other people to write for your website. Thank you:)

  14. I love the phrase “vulnerability hangover,” it’s the perfect description of that raw feeling you get after sharing. I have difficulty with that. Even with my close friends I’ll talk to them about a problem I’m feeling after the worst has passed and then I’ll shrug it off like it’s no big deal, like I didn’t just spend the last two days crying about it.

  15. A couple things…
    1.I appreciate your blog, it’s hilarious and relevant
    2.I thought I was the only one who had a secret wedding board on Pinterest for the exact same reason
    3. A Facebook friend just posted “he was worth waiting for” about her new husband. She’s about 20, maybe a little older…happy for her, but yeah she really didn’t have to wait that long.

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